And, In Conclusion -- Speed Racer

As longtime readers know, I am a fan of Sailor Moon.  This is demonstrated
by the fact that I watch a show with teenage girls dressed in school
uniforms using magic to save the universe and it doesn't strike me as the
least bit absurd.  When I heard about the live action SM, I approached it
with validated trepidation.  Why?  Because everything that made the anime
work just didn't translate to live action.

So here come the Wachowskis with an estimated $100 mil budget.  Okay, I
get
it, you're anime fans.  Wonderful.  My criticism from my last post stands
out like a beacon -- you get what makes something cool, but not what makes
it work.  After seeing this movie, it's time for you to turn in your movie
making license.  And grab M. Night Shayamalan's while you're at it.

Speed Racer has racing in his blood, despite it taking his brother's life.

He gets a shot of disillusionment when he realizes big business is at the
heart of entertainment.  He gets recruited by an agency seeking to clean
up
the sport, racing alongside Cyclops of the X-Men...I mean, Racer X.

To sum up this movie, I got a call from a buddy, asking me how the movie
was.  I told him, dude, there's a ninja attack about halfway through.  His
response?  If you didn't see the movie, just say so, don't make stuff up.

Actually, there's an easier way to summarize this movie -- bring
Dramamine. 
The movie is a visual blender.  There are colors used that I bet do not
exist in the natural rainbow, patent pending ILM.  The camera moves and
spins and swoops so much, there are times I honestly had no idea what was
going on on the screen.  I know I'm in the minority that liked the Dukes
Of
Hazzard movie by Broken Lizard, but one of the things I loved about it was
that the chases and car driving was nice, long takes that let you see and
process the action occurring in front of you.  Nothing like that here, as
the cars do a mix of racing and bumper cars around the tracks.

There seem to be only a couple of actual sets used.  The rest is shot
against a green screen (in a stylistic touch, this is made to be really
obvious), and the garish colors make it very tough on the eyes.  If you
thought Dick Tracy with Warren Beatty was too mellow visually, here's the
flick for you.  I'm betting you could swap Trixie out with the E-surance
girl and it wouldn't look the slightest bit out of place.

The Wachowskis have basically made a live action anime movie.  You'll see
attempts at speed lines, Speed grunts when he collides while racing, goofy
transitions, everything.  It is like the ultimate generic anime flick, but
with live action.  Considering they could have just taken the money and
made a genuine animated film instead, this isn't good.  They lay it on as
thick as the sidewise wipes in Battlefield Earth.

When the movie isn't derailed by attempts to be cool like anime, it's
getting blitzed by the Wachowskis' hamhanded directing.  Sparkly
backgrounds where the shapes transition are common.  Cars move in ways
that
completely defy the laws of physics, such as the start of a rally race
that
has cars zipping between columns and taking hairpin turns at over 200MPH. 
Speed and Trixie talking about participating in a race during a nighttime
rainstorm makes them agree to their plan as lightning flashes, making the
darkened blossoms stand out like flashbulbs.  And during race scenes,
especially at the start, the action is constantly undercut by flashbacks
to
set up the character histories.  The flow is constantly being throttled at
the tap.

I suspected the film was in even worse trouble than I realized when, early
in the movie, there's a tour that includes a "vertical assembly line".  As
I contemplated how hilariously impractical that was, I prepared myself. 
There is often a point where I will either completely buy into a movie or
completely write it off.  And when the ninja attack started, with Pops
being revealed to supposedly be a champion Grecco-Roman wrestler busting
out cartoon moves that would make the WWE laugh, I hit the eject button. 
Saint Michael faces the devil.  I face Jabootu.  I think I know which of
us
deserves the hazardous duty pay.

The bottom line is this -- some artistic flourishes are reliant on their
medium in order to work.  And that's the case here.  What would be a
generic but perfectly adequate anime flick is turned into a live action
film edited with a random number generator.  No matter how dazzling the
special effects are, you don't get a good enough look to appreciate it and
there is absolutely no story to keep you going.

And why is it that movies with huge budgets or above the line costs are
always telling us how money isn't everything?!?  Give me a major break!